Who is afraid of their shadow?
Who is afraid of their shadow?
Just Notice.
Fall is here! Longer nights, cooler mornings, longer shadows.
As the days carry us away from the hustle and bustle of summer, I find myself looking more deeply into my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I become more contemplative. What is coming up for me now? What in my life is showing me something about myself that I would like to understand more deeply and work on?
Jung famously wrote:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”
This is one of my fav pics, the essence of who I feel I am. Not all shadows are filled with darkness. Just remember to let the present, and curiosity, lead and not be misled by the ' absolutism' often embraced by parts of us connected to our past.
The Personal Unconscious, Childhood Trauma, and Why Your Adult Brain Occasionally Lets a Seven-Year-Old Make Executive Decisions
Have you ever had a completely reasonable adult interaction and responded with the emotional intensity of someone whose village has just been invaded?
Your partner takes a little too long to text back.
Your boss says, “Can we talk?”
Someone’s tone changes by approximately 3%.
And suddenly your nervous system is like:
WE HAVE TRAINED FOR THIS. EVERYONE TO YOUR STATIONS.
Meanwhile, your rational adult brain is standing in the corner holding a cup of coffee, thinking, “I’m pretty sure she just said she was tired.”
Welcome to the personal unconscious. I have been doing a little exploring with Shadow Work, and I'm liking what I am seeing. It aligns with what we are working on in session.
What Exactly Is the Personal Unconscious?
Carl Jung used the term "personal unconscious" to describe psychological material outside our immediate awareness that comes from our individual experiences.
Think of your psyche as an iceberg.
Above the water:
“I am an independent, emotionally intelligent adult who communicates directly and chooses healthy relationships.”
Below the water:
“WHY DID SHE PUT A PERIOD AFTER ‘OK’? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???!!!”
Modern psychology uses different language for some of this—implicit memory, conditioning, schemas, automatic processing and learned threat responses—but the basic idea holds up remarkably well:
A lot of what influences our behavior happens outside conscious awareness.
And your childhood, whether you feel it was good, bad, or so-so, is where much of that learning begins.
Your Childhood Brain Was Taking Notes
Children learn relationships by experiencing them.
A six-year-old with an unpredictable caregiver doesn’t think:
“Interesting. My attachment figure demonstrates inconsistent emotional availability.”
Their brain learns something simpler:
Connection isn’t predictable.
So it adapts.
Read the room.
Don’t upset people.
Be useful.
Be perfect.
Don’t need too much.
Or maybe:
Don’t depend on anyone.
These can be brilliant adaptations to the environment in which they developed.
The problem comes 30 years later when the environment has changed…
but the prediction hasn’t.
The Brain Is Constantly Asking: “Have We Seen This Before?”
Your brain uses previous experience to predict what happens next.
Emotional learning works the same way.
Conflict → abandonment
Disapproval → danger
Other people’s anger → I must fix it
Achievement → safety
Vulnerability → humiliation
Closeness → eventually getting hurt
These aren’t always conscious beliefs.
They’re often more like predictions:
Someone gets quiet.
Your stomach tightens. Your attention narrows. You feel compelled to fix something.
Then your conscious brain arrives slightly late to the meeting and announces:
“Something is definitely wrong.”
Maybe.
Or perhaps your nervous system recognized something similar to an old pattern and predicted what used to happen next.
Enter: The Complex
Jung called clusters of emotionally charged memories, beliefs, and associations complexes.
Suppose someone has an abandonment complex.
A friend doesn’t invite them somewhere.
The adult brain says:
“There could be 47 explanations for this.”
The complex (or negative cognition as EMDR calls it) says:
“I KNEW IT. WE ARE UNLOVABLE.”
This may help explain why intelligent, insightful adults can occasionally behave 'poorly' in relationships.
You can understand attachment theory, run a company, and have two master’s degrees—and still find yourself composing a 900-word text because someone replied:
“Sure.”
Trauma Can Make the Present Feel Like the Past
A trauma response isn’t always:
“I remember something terrible.”
Sometimes it’s:
“Something about right now feels dangerous, and I don’t entirely know why.”
Tone. Silence. Criticism. Distance. Feeling ignored. Loss of control.
When the present resembles an old threat closely enough, old protective strategies can appear:
Fight. Flight. Freeze. Appease. Control. Withdraw. Overexplain. People-please.
These responses may seem irrational in the present.
However, they often make much more sense when you ask:
What did this behavior originally protect me from in the past?
But Not Everything Is Trauma
Not every uncomfortable childhood experience is trauma.
Not every personality trait is a trauma response.
Not every relationship problem is attachment trauma.
And occasionally you aren’t triggered.
The person really is being a ____________. (Fill in your choice word here ;)
The useful question isn’t:
“Is everything happening today secretly about my childhood?”
It’s:
How much of what I’m feeling belongs to right now—and how much is old information being applied to a new situation?
So Who’s Driving? You or your parts, or ego states from your past?
Hypervigilance may once have helped you anticipate unpredictable adults.
People-pleasing may have maintained connection.
Perfectionism may have reduced criticism.
Extreme independence may have developed because depending on people wasn’t particularly successful.
Instead of asking:
“What’s wrong with me?”
Try:
“What did this response originally accomplish—and do I still need it?”
So start noticing disproportion. Repetition. Automatic meaning.
And when a reaction feels strangely familiar, ask:
Where did I learn this—and is it still true?
Because sometimes the person responding to today’s situation isn’t entirely the person sitting in today’s room.
Sometimes an old protective strategy recognizes something familiar, grabs the steering wheel, and announces:
“Don’t worry. I know exactly what to do.”
And your adult self gets to say:
Thanks. You were incredibly useful once.
But I’m driving now.
Skill for the Week:
Whenever I notice the world around me, I see something beautiful. I hope this picture brings you joy. Take a few breaths while gazing at it, and see what you notice in your body.
This is why the 'Pause' is so powerful. It changes your focus towards connection and a 'something' that brings you good feelings.
The hard part is making it a habit; the easy part is that you can already control how you feel.
Pause. Breathe. Choose.
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